Cars

munched on a random train of thoughts for my nightcap today. it was served cold to me in this humid night while i lay in my living room, unknowingly fixated at the spinning blades of a ceiling fan. it tasted weird, but not unfamiliar. i rise and decide to hit the sack early and salvage whatever i could of those thoughts, so here i am, paying you two visits in a week, yes. you’re welcome.

…this afternoon, we were out boating. there was this note-worthy moment where as i was floating, the clouds canopied the sun and i felt its kiss leave my face. i realized, i have the next few seconds to indulge in a stare at the sky, in all its vastness and blueness — and i took the moment to pause and utter my thanks. for a workday wednesday in the middle of seas. for how well life has been treating me.

nineteen months in and it still feels surreal. i have always thought it was made especially sweeter by how i used to almost beg the universe to give me one freaking break in life — Bermuda is my one big break, i just know. i knew since easter of last year, when i could not help but (ugly) cry at the first note of Gloria because of the overwhelming gratefulness that enveloped me. for a long time, i have sulked and accused the Lord of being stingy to me, while i continue to stubbornly blame everything and everyone for my overall mediocre of a life. Bermuda and everything that came (and is coming) with it, is the candy that pacified my sulking. sometimes, i still feel like i never deserved this grace.

…throwing it forward to five hours later. in a room that was hushed up of liam gallagher as the tv was abruptly turned off, i suddenly hear the nagging sound of my ‘aloneness’. it grew louder as i think of how i am half a world far from my strong(est)hold. loudest as i call myself hypocritical — didn’t you just write about how you’re “basking and thriving in your aloneness” a few weeks ago???

but nights like these are different and sometimes, uncool as it freaking is, too much aloneness and i succumb to the distasteful antics of… loneliness (there i said it and i dread it). there could be a stretch of days going by that i don’t get any real human interaction. and on quiet moments like tonight, it derides me — when a few pages of a book or one or two songs in guitar, simply fall short at their job of amusing me.

it probably doesn’t help that my best friend in the island flew home for the summer.

and that there is this yet unproven theory that i messed up my place within what tiny circle of ‘friends’ i managed to insert myself in here.

or that there’s this guy who i thought might be a regular but turned out to be just another fleeting distraction.

I SNAPPED.

how could i have easily gone from grateful and ecstatic this afternoon to exasperated and wretched tonight?

and then it came to me — it’s shark week in two days time. that about explains how everything hits different today. right, blame it to the hormones. that felt better.

end of thought.

now please honey, for the love of all that is holy, let us stay in the rockstar lane.